SHEEPSHEAD BAY'S ONLY INDEPENDENT NEWS BLOG

Readers of Sheepshead Bites might be surprised to learn that some people still pay for news. Not only that, this news is actually printed (yes, printed!) on sheets of pulped, chemical-laden murdered trees! They kill trees to produce news for you to pay for! Injustice!

Well, one such place that sells these antique news delivery systems is Just In Time Pharmacy at 2126 Knapp Street. And the buggers have found that a bunch of fools who think paper grows on trees (wait, huh?) are just taking them! Without paying for them! Paying for the news! They didn’t pay for the news!

Be still, my beating heart. Though nothing could be so tragic as the idea that citizens could be coerced  to pay – to pay for news! – through tricks originating from the most deviant, obscene recesses of a publisher’s dark, insipid mind – yes, though all of this may be true in its own sick, twisted way – we take comfort. We take comfort in the fact that a lone hero stands on the side of citizens and democracy, providing information daily and for free. Yes, a hero, a media messiah, if you will, which may one day perish for all publishers’ sins (and they, believe it, are many), for now rides high on the horizon, casting the warm, comforting glow of knowledge upon its unappreciative public at no charge.

And, yet, there are scoundrels who steal by forcing those to pay – to pay for news! – and then there are those scoundrels, in turn, thieving from the thieves. Who here is the greater villain? Who is the douchiest douche of them all?

Oh, right, the dog walkers and bicyclists who are stealing from a locally-owned small business. That’s pretty douchey.

Photo and tip courtesy of Rob S.

Finally, a commercial tenant in the perennially plagued building at 1702 Avenue Z!

Studio 21 has opened on the second floor of the mixed-use structure, and the sign was placed last week, adding some much needed color to its otherwise cold facade.

Wondering what Studio 21 is? We were, too. We thought maybe it was the new name for the building, which would’ve been pretty damn funny because of how tacky – and how Sheepshead Bay – that would’ve been.

But, no, instead it’s an interior design and imported furniture business. They’ve been around for 17 years, according to their website, and Google lists their old address in Sunset Park.

Welcome to the neighborhood, guys, and best of luck. You’ll need it, considering your new home is managed by the same people selling “professional suits,” forgetting to install garages, locking people in during their open houses, and, generally, just scaring off other potential commercial tenants.

This sign has been laying on the Avenue Z sidewalk – between East 14th Street and East 15th Street – for more than two weeks. We don’t know what caused it to fall, but we are trying to figure out what the hold-up in repairing it is. Any ideas? Know of any other signs in need of repair?

Capella Salon at 1660 Sheepshead Bay Road got a new sign today. The old sign, which was taken down last week, said Capella Salon & Day Spa. Does that mean no more spa?

Photo and tip by ShadowLock.

Click to enlarge

Longtime readers of Sheepshead Bites should know that I love – LOVE! – the sort of marketing that relies almost exclusively on superlatives, especially when the words used stand in stark contrast to reality.

Take, for example, the “most luxurious day care center” that, unfortunately, never bothered with the luxury of getting its employees proper background checks or certification. Or the luxury condos built right across the street from one of the city’s worst housing projects. Or the medical offices best suited for Dr. James Bond (actually, that one was pretty luxurious), or the “Imperial” class seating on Transaero flights that led us to ask if this kind of marketing is specifically targeted to Russians, and why.

We may never know the answer to that last question, but there’s no doubt that there’s an obsession in our neighborhood with marketing things as luxurious, gourmet or deluxe. And, occasionally, you get one that just jams a bunch of words together, like the marketing for 2409 Avenue Z, the old Tre Fratelli space.

Yes, “Super luxury oversized condos” are for sale there, with such amenities as, um, balconies, and, er, “automatic parking” – whatever that means.

In reality, the space is kind of small. It’s a triangular three-story building, with the first floor used for retail and parking (the “automatic parking” appears to be a car elevator, which actually seems more obnoxious than opulent). And, unless the plans have changed since we first reported on it in July 2010, those two floors of residential are broken up into five units.

So… what’s so Super Luxury Oversized about that? Well, I guess it sounds better than “Glorified Closet-Sized Apartments of Mediocrity .”

In totally unrelated news, Sheepshead Bites is proud to announce that we have eliminated our advertising and sponsorship packages and are now offering “Uber Luxurious, Premier Deluxe-ified Grand Gourmet Advertising Opportunities on our Palatial Webmansion, Paired with Sensual, Posh Sponsorship Opportunities.” Click here for details.

Opulance. We has it.

What was once Wheeler’s is now Wheelers, reflecting America’s disillusionment with apostrophes. Sorry, I meant to say “Americas disillusionment…”

The venerable bar and grill at 1705 Sheepshead Bay Road took down their rather defeated-looking sign last week, replacing it with a classy black sign with gold-embossed lettering, a new awning, and a fresh paint job along the front.

Looking good, Wheeler’s – er, Wheelers. Looking good…

Photos by Eli.

Reader Richie spotted this on a car on East 23rd Street. It’s hard to read, but it says “Please don’t be an asshole. Use 1 space for 1 car.”

I think we need a whole series dedicated to “Please don’t be an asshole” signs. Here’s one I made for the commenters:

See the sign we made.

Coming soon to 2612 East 14th Street: Sagdiana Restaurant. A culinary feast of Uzbek, Caucasian, Russian and French cousins. I, personally, don’t have any French cousins that I know of, but I sure do hope that, if I do, Sagdiana hunts them down, kills them, and serves them to me with a fancy-shmancy cream sauce.

The above sign appeared this week at 2612 East 14th Street, the former home of Cafe L’Azur, confirming our suspicions that the 2.5 year old restaurant is closed. It’s cut off in the photo, but the sign notes Sagdiana will have all new management. No word yet on when they’ll be open, but we took a peak inside and it seems just about fully furnished. We’re looking forward to our new neighbors.

I go to real estate companies all the time when I need a professional suit. When I need a casual suit, I go to a pharmacist. My zoot suits are ordered exclusively from cell phone stores.

Oh, 1702 Avenue Z, how I love you so. The incompetence of the various people around you never fails to provide content for me. Today it’s this sign for professional suits – surely you meant suites – but there’s a whole history of fumbles that leaves me bewildered… and amused.

Sure, most recently it was the “Whoops! We forgot to build a garage!” that led to some impromptu sidewalk destruction and the removal of freshly planted trees. But you were screwing up long before that. There was the time we got locked in during your not-so-open open house, and that was just the first run of the new realtors – Dreamlife. And, of course, we can’t forget how bigger brokers abandoned you after a botched deal caused a prospective tenant to call it quits.

Thanks for the latest laugh. We’re looking forward to your next boondoggle.

Some time last week this street corner changed. Something that was there isn’t now. Can you spot what it is?

To make it easier, we’ve included a couple of signs you should look for. Not to advertise the fact, but they’re there, staring you in the face, like bills on a board.