Like, yaaaah! Look at us! We’re hipsters… we’re better than you. Source: Look A Beauty Blog

I always thought it was so trite to begin a post, essay, or any piece of writing with the definition of a word but, as an homage to the anonymous everyman who spoke for so many of us Southern Brooklynites — the writer behind the eponymously-named blog, Die Hipster, who abdicated his literary throne this week — I offer you the definition of the word “prophet”:

A person gifted with profound moral insight and exceptional powers of expression.

While Die Hipster, by no means, claimed to “speak by divine inspiration or as the interpreter through whom the will of a god is expressed,” the perennially exacerbated wordsmith took to the Internets to decry the “culdesacian culture vultures [who] have basically destroyed art and music just about to the point of irreparable,” in his final post on the site.

The targets of Die Hipster’s wrath may have had blessedly little to nothing to do with our end of the borough (at least for the time being, for hipsters are a transient breed), he took the Herculean task upon himself to protect our Southern Brooklyn enclave from their unicycled migration like a modern-day Davy Crockett staving off those who would breach the Alamo.

Die Hipster’s frustrated, acerbic posts, targeting, oh so charmingly, the nasally-voiced sub-culture adherents of independent, anti-mainstream everything — also known on the site as Zachs, Zoeys, Calebs, Ethans, Megans and Mollys — gained a massive following, racking up 1,097 followers and an impressive 2,795,840 visitors since he debuted on the WordPress platform in December 2010.

Why did we enjoy Die Hipster so? Well, because it’s fun to make fun of “Polly-O string-cheese-shaped fauxhemian beardos” who get their kicks from buying $5 cups of “babyccinos,” while we vapid, working class knuckle-draggers make ours in Keurigs or, perhaps out of sheer necessity, buy the $2 Anthora variety from the corner bodega. And because it’s just plain nuts to have chickens living on your cramped Red Hook property so you can enjoy “cage-free, organic, cruelty-free fucking eggs.” That’s what farmer’s markets are for, silly! And don’t even get me started on what the trust-fund try-hards consider art (Warning: NSFW!).

I’m of the mind that people should embrace a live-and-let-live philosophy. Do what you want to do, dress how you want to dress, listen to whatever music you want to listen to — just don’t hurt anyone. I’m sure I speak for many Brooklynites who are pleased that their old neighborhoods, which, over decades became crime-addled slums, are now safe to raise families in… but, come on.

Brooklyn was, is, and always will be an urban environment. The original concrete jungle. The county of Kings is not a place to grow organic, sustainable, rooftop everyfrigginthing. And a single-person dwelling in Billyburg — the streets of which, 15 years ago, were about as safe as those of Anwar Province after dark — is certainly not supposed to go for $4,200! How do those crazy kids afford to live there, while they sleep until noon and work for minimum wage as glorified, tattooed and handlebar-mustachioed baristas or candy cane-shaped keepers of the kale?

These are the questions so many of us have asked, so many times. Why? Why? Why? Why $10 candy bars? Why typing on a typewriter on a park bench in 2012? Why Glow Necklace Kidult Kickball? Embracing the age-old axiom that the pen is mightier than the sword, Die Hipster heard our cries.

Still, not everyone approved of Die Hipster. Jen G of the blog Greenpointers.com (I know, shocking, right?) expresses her relief that Die Hipster threw in the proverbial towel:

Finally, the putrid and venomous, toxic and true waste of a blog –Diehipster.com is throwing in the towel. The best part is that he is the king of hipster irony, because he focused more on hipsters than anyone else cared – thus perpetuating the spread of the culture he despised. The only thing I will miss is all the traffic he brings to the website when he makes fun of us here. Good riddance! Finally the loser, who spent so much of his life caring about people who don’t care about him – lost. I wonder what he will do now? Grow a beard? Eat a $10 candy bar? Change his name to Brent? Join a kickball league? Brew his own sustainable local Kombucha? Make a terrarium? The hipster world is his for the taking! Buh-bye.

That’s fine. Opinions are like a-holes, but unless your last name is Yastrzemski, Kosinski, Bukowski, or some variation thereof, I doubt that the majority of Flyoverlandia-born inhabitants of Greenpoint are capable of postulating impartially about the rilly, rilly kewl nabe they live and make their art in.

But now we are on our own. We are Southern Brooklyn’s contemporary answer to the stiff-necked Israelites waving a sad farewell to Moses, whose quick temper forbade him from entering into the Promised Land. And while he will “still be commenting/bashing here and there on hipster run sites and on other media (that don’t ban me or erase my comments),” Die Hipster, our esteemed prognosticator of pedestrian life, has left us to fight the good fight, with these parting words: “Stay strong [real]Brooklyn!”

Don’t worry. We will. Just as long as they stay above the line.

The above was submitted anonymously by a reader who wants to “celebrate the long Die Hipster tradition of publicly shitting on hipster douches without losing employment or permitting personal response.” It’s also a work of humor, so don’t get your kidult-sized Spiderman onesie in a bunch, hipster.

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  • http://www.brucebrodinsky.com Bruce B

    I’m impressed that Yastrzemski is spelt correctly (I think), but really, picking on the Poles? Up with hipsters. The Bay is an entertainment bore, we need some beatnik-type places here. I suggest a policy setting a quota of hipster immigration in Sheepshead Bay. Hey, maybe a hipster can be considered 3/5 of a human being (I better tread lightly here). Never mind how they afford $10 coffee, I want to know how they afford a hundred tattoos! Or how they take the pain. Or how they think it looks attractive… I suspect Ned Berke is ready to defect at any moment. He’s right now funneling confidential S. Bay real estate info (and cheap coffee in Starbuck’s cups) to Williamsburg. In fact, I have in my hand right now (I’m waving a blank paper) of the names of 57 hipsters living right now secretly in our neighborhood.

    • LLQBTT

      Not impressed with your spelling of spelt! (spelled spelled)

      • Andy Baum (no FB at work)

        Spelt is the archaic English form of spelled and, as such, is perfectly acceptable from an orthographical standpoint.
        http://grammarist.com/spelling/spelled-spelt/

        • http://www.brucebrodinsky.com Bruce B

          Thanks Andy. It was more important that I spelled Yastrzemski correctly anyway :)

          For the record, my word processor does flag “spelt” as an error, as does disqus, so LLQBTT has a point. However, your link seems to indicate that “spelt” is indeed acceptable. Also, disqus flags “orthographical” as an error, although my word processor says it’s correct, and so does dictionary.com.

      • http://www.brucebrodinsky.com Bruce B

        I think you spelled LLQBTT wrong :)

        • http://www.flickr.com/photos/lisanne001 Lisanne!

          Come on, Bruce. You have to remember the TT?

  • Old Sheepshead Hand

    I think I recognize the one on the left in the photo but that could just be the hair- she founded an actual paper magazine in this day & age and had a launch party at Union Pool – I went for the bands. I was all alone – first hipster/yuppie/yunnie no-no.
    Then I wasn’t dressed in the current fashions of the time – another no-no. One from a group stared right at me for being out of place. She was in classic head tilted to the side mode, mouth open, enormous sunglasses shading her eyes. It might been the rapper M.I.A. but don’t hold me to that.
    The irony is, in my then-capacity as a internet blogging Indie music hanger-on, I scooped up one of the bands as scenester pals…but they promptly broke-up and that was the end of that before even it started.

    It is a good to not take this all too seriously but one thing actually does have a serious weight to it:
    “How do those crazy kids afford to live there, while they sleep until noon and work for minimum wage”

    That living dynamic killed the culture and makes these people morally dubious. It was one thing when it was legit artists with a sense of authenticity. It’s also OK when it’s people legitimately working for a living as professionals and having fun on the side. But it’s not good when it’s like this. It offers nothing and only takes.

    The problem is not the stupid fashions or some of the delivery methods for food, music, art, etc. Those are the symptoms. The disease is in the motivation. If anything, the biggest symptom – the one that stands out more than anything else but isn’t visual so isn’t immediately flagged – is the voice. The uptalking dead-voiced creaky vocal fry. The Valley Girl/Midwest combo accent. That’s all you need to understand what’s going on their brains.

    It was fun when it was raw and still changing and there were fun bands and new foods and all kind of (relatively) cheap. But it’s not fun anymore. Hail to the working stiffs.

    • http://www.brucebrodinsky.com Bruce B

      Do you think they get by with a combination of govt benefits? That would really piss me off. If not, I’m cool with the hipsters. Except if they wear a Ramones T-shirt. That just ain’t right.

      • Old Sheepshead Hand

        In my line of (government) work, I’ve encountered a handful of brats trying to take advantage of benefits but to be honest, most of that handful also seemed to have some mental issues. The rest were definitely being brats, knowing what they were doing. “trying to prove a point” I suppose.

        But by and large, the general idea is that these kids (and they could be in their 30′s and still be thought of as kids by themselves and their parents and their peers), are very wealthy, full of inheritance money. Also throw in a lot of that modern “you’re a winner just because you’re my kid” mentality, and the modern self-indulgent, narcissistic treasures of social networking, and you have this.

        • flatbush depot

          if this is true, then I can start to see why some people do not like hipsters.

          but something just occurred to me: what about looking at it from the point of view that the inheritance money is put to good use since these people are living (and therefore investing) in these neighborhoods that could use improvement? if it were not for them, do you know of any other ways that northern and central Brooklyn could have come back? unless I missed something, there were MUCH worse problems (and there still are some) in northern and central BK than in Sheepshead.

          • flatbush depot

            the other thing I wanted to say is that yes, the first generation of hipsters may be here due mostly to inheritance money, but that ain’t gonna last forever since there ain’t enough of it (as usual my disclaimer is “unless I missed something”) and future generations of hipsters (if they are still even called this) will have to work and whatnot in order to make it. I suppose the question is whether they will understand that. I do not think it will be hard for them to do so since any rational person knows that money does not grow on trees and they must work for it if it ain’t there or whatever. inheritance money might be there for you now, but you cannot expect it to be there for you forever (unless the progenitors in question are made of more money than I can imagine) and therefore you must work if you want more of it

    • Ed David

      I made a blog to really deeply analyze Die hipster and out the anonymous bloggers – http://diediehipster.wordpress… after they attacked me one fine day. It is interesting to see what kind of person they are.

  • Matthijs van Guilder

    Modern day hipsters are the equivalent of those who would have been taken out in the woods to go berry picking and not come back to the village, centuries later to be found layered in some Spartan crevasse. Their mother should have kept the afterbirth.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=528447725 facebook-528447725

    I watched that “art” video. And ummm….. yeah. If I were there in that audience, I would’ve been the only clean person and I would’ve shouted “are you fucking serious? what the fuck are you doing you pig??” and walked out.

  • LLQBTT

    How provincial of you

  • Psychosis all Night

    Let them come…. this place is a shithole anyway. I hate seeing the same fucking people everysingle day the same houses the same buildings etc. This place is a depressing dump filled with old babushkas. Also i’d rather have a hipster as my neighbor…. then to have a old nosey italian neighbor spy on me 24/7.

    • sheepheadbay

      Yes, that’s right. Let them breathe a new fresh air in the bay. New ideas, different businesses (unlike what we have now) and higher property values. Yay, welcome them with open arms.

    • ”The Red”

      We don`t want you dropping dog shit all over our neighborhood, your abandoned bicycles,your disgusting selves. You have no class!!!!!

  • ShadowLock

    Haters Gonna Hate

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/lisanne001 Lisanne!

    I think the joke went on too long. Going on for several years in such a vicious vein dilutes the entertainment value. Additionally the brush was too thick, not everyone who chooses to move into so-called hipster neighborhoods is a hipster.

    I do suggest that this might be a good time for the blogger to get a competent therapist so that these antisocial feelings can be brought under control. For it is not outside the realm of possibility that the focus of this individual’s rage might be midgets.

  • Native with a real job

    These clowns are all frauds, pretenders, imposters, trend-suckers, culture-vampires, fashion victims, interloping nobodies who are trying to create some B.S. whimsical creative urban progressive movement funded by their cuckold parents and other navel gaving idiots. They all hail from the whitest of the whitest cul-de-sacs from middle America. They have been spoiled and told how special they are all their lives. They throw around the terms “culture” and “community” to support their nonsense, but in reality are the most racist, condesending and segregating classist people you will ever meet. They co-opt denim and flannel but despise manual labor. They listen to whiny indie rock and dubstep, easily the worst music? ever created by man. They pay obscene gentrifying rents, buying a “cool” zipcode to act like toddlers. Pretentious know-it-alls who will continue to flock to yupster meccas to ensure that this post-modern nightmare never ends.

    • flatbush depot

      so..if it were not for them, do you know of any other ways that northern and central Brooklyn could have come back?

      as for the things about racism and despising manual labor (I do not approve of racism or despising manual labor to get that straight), I will believe it when I see it. admittedly I do not go to hipster neighborhoods every day.

      • 3fingersbrown

        Come back from what? I lived here in the “bad old days,” and they were never really that bad. Crime has dropped all over the country since the 80′s and with it came an improved quality of life. What contribution do these parasites make aside from putting more money into landlords pockets?

        Their parents left during the mid-20th century white flight to the suburbs. The hard working immigrants from around the world and creative folks who remained brought the city back. Now the children of white flight return to suck the soul out of the city and raise our rents. Fuck these clowns. Die Hipster will be missed.

        • http://www.flickr.com/photos/lisanne001 Lisanne!

          If you were old enough to remember the 80s you might realize that a lot of people (my generation) left the city at that time, and it wasn’t only white flight. A lot of us, just married and looking for a house to raise a family in, just couldn’t find anything acceptable. There just wasn’t that much available in many places. So they moved elsewhere. Many of these kids are the children of my peers.

          • flatbush depot

            testimony from somebody who lived thru those times (I did not). thanks for the backup

          • http://www.flickr.com/photos/lisanne001 Lisanne!

            I knew people who were quite emotionally invested in their community but lacked the patience to keep pursuing every possible lead on a house. Most of us grew up in houses, apartments were not desirable.

            I should clarify that I am writing of southern Brooklyn. A different sort of gentrifying eventually took place here. With the in-born population committed to other communities when large amounts of properties became available the die was cast.

          • Andy Baum (no FB at work)

            “White flight” was more of a phenomenon for the WWII generation that headed out to the Island and to Westchester. And, it was more complex than white flight – although that certainly was a factor (fanned by the block-busting practices of the real estate industry of that era). As black people came north for job opportunities, whites headed for the suburbs. However there were other factors, e.g., Many of that generation were the first to have an opportunity to rise up from the meager economic circumstances that had prevailed throughout the Depression. Not to mention the hard first years that their parents and grandparent had faced. There was also a strong cultural imperative to fully assimilate into the Great American middle class.

            Our (boomer) generation faced a slightly different scenario. Beginning in the 70s, housing prices skyrocketed. Also, there were a slew of co-op conversions during the ’80s of properties that had previously been rent stabilized. Many of our contemporaries bought a co-op as a stepping stone to owning a house in Staten Island or New Jersey.
            While these kids are the children of our peers, few of them seem to have roots in the NY metro area. But, hey – the city has always been a magnet for young Nouveau Yorkers.

          • http://www.sheepsheadbites.com/ Ned Berke

            I <3 thoughtful, informative comments. Thanks.

          • Andy Baum (no FB at work)

            Thanks for the kind words, Ned. I neglected to mention that neighborhoods in Southern Brooklyn also absorbed a large percentage of people who moved out of Williamsburgh, Flatbush, East Flatbush, Crown Heights and Brownsville. Not everyone went to the suburbs. From 1950 onward areas like Sheepshead Bay, Canarsie and Mill Basin were built up as a result of people moving in from northern and central Brooklyn.

          • http://www.sheepsheadbites.com/ Ned Berke

            My parents moved here from Borough Park in the early 70s. What a bunch of hipsters, amiright?

          • Andy Baum (no FB at work)

            Poser. :)
            My family lived in Crown Heights from 1916 until 1966 when we moved to the Bay. I still don’t consider myself “old Sheepshead Bay” – especially compared to those whose great-great-grandparents were parishoners of the original St. Mark RC Church on the Bay Road.

          • http://www.flickr.com/photos/lisanne001 Lisanne!

            You mean the 1861 building north of what is now Avenue Z?

          • Andy Baum (no FB at work)

            No. The wooden church building that stood on the Bay Road and East 14th Street.

          • Andy Baum (no FB at work)

            Edit – Yes – we’re talking about the same thing.

          • http://www.flickr.com/photos/lisanne001 Lisanne!

            That was definitely true. There was a definite shift in population from the more urbanized parts of Brooklyn to the underdeveloped southern parts. Even the developed parts of Sheepshead Bay contained a significant mount of unused land. But growth really took off in the 60s when whole areas were built up.

            Parts of southern Brooklyn 1954. I never completed joining all the plates.

          • http://www.flickr.com/photos/lisanne001 Lisanne!

            It seemed that housing prices skyrocketed in the 70s because demand far exceeded supply. A lot of people wanted to stay in their communities and some would be willing to pay a premium to do so. But the reality that one could buy cheaper elsewhere and get a newer house on a larger lot more than compensated for the distance we would travel to work in NYC. and these houses were much easier to find. Among people I knew co-ops were not much of a consideration.

          • Andy Baum (no FB at work)

            Another contributing factor was the runaway inflation of the era. You’ll recall that the Nixon administration had implemented wage and price controls in an effort to control the spiral. Houses that had sold for $40k in the mid-sixties were going for $150K by 1973. Even the attached houses that were built on Nostrand Avenue just below Voorhies in 1976 cost more than $80K. (Or as my dad put it, “That’s nuts!”)

          • http://www.flickr.com/photos/lisanne001 Lisanne!

            In the 50s houses were selling for 10K. Inflation had definitely become a factor, and interest on loans became a serious consideration of cost. By 1980 it was spiraling out of control. But wages also kept growing, it was absurd.

  • Ed David

    I made a blog to really deeply analyze Die hipster and out the anonymous bloggers – http://diediehipster.wordpress.com after they attacked me one fine day.

  • Kizone Kaprow

    It was just another narcissistic hate-site, frequented by frustrated, nihilistic neanderthals who saw no irony whatsoever in their collectivist, echo-chamber, lemming-like rants. The hipster-haters, in their lockstep approach to a common enemy and scapegoat, became a parody unto themselves. When people start laughing at you instead of with you, it’s time to fold up the tent. Good riddance.

    • James

      People started laughing at site visitors? Aw, what a fantasy world you live. That site was hysterical. Just by your comment you told on yourself. Most of the people who objected to the site were hipster transplant try hards (like yourself) who couldn’t take criticism due to their Mommy and Daddy always telling them that they are the best. Whaaaaaa, I want my ba-ba!!

  • PBR=Urine

    Not to worry, the Times and other mainstream publication will feature “rooftop fish farming” (saw that clusterf*ck on WABC-TV) so we can all get a chuckle at the Zachs & Zooeys spending their 20s doing nothing before they fly back to the Midwest to spawn in their cul-de-sacs

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