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Longtime readers of Sheepshead Bites should know that I love – LOVE! – the sort of marketing that relies almost exclusively on superlatives, especially when the words used stand in stark contrast to reality.

Take, for example, the “most luxurious day care center” that, unfortunately, never bothered with the luxury of getting its employees proper background checks or certification. Or the luxury condos built right across the street from one of the city’s worst housing projects. Or the medical offices best suited for Dr. James Bond (actually, that one was pretty luxurious), or the “Imperial” class seating on Transaero flights that led us to ask if this kind of marketing is specifically targeted to Russians, and why.

We may never know the answer to that last question, but there’s no doubt that there’s an obsession in our neighborhood with marketing things as luxurious, gourmet or deluxe. And, occasionally, you get one that just jams a bunch of words together, like the marketing for 2409 Avenue Z, the old Tre Fratelli space.

Yes, “Super luxury oversized condos” are for sale there, with such amenities as, um, balconies, and, er, “automatic parking” – whatever that means.

In reality, the space is kind of small. It’s a triangular three-story building, with the first floor used for retail and parking (the “automatic parking” appears to be a car elevator, which actually seems more obnoxious than opulent). And, unless the plans have changed since we first reported on it in July 2010, those two floors of residential are broken up into five units.

So… what’s so Super Luxury Oversized about that? Well, I guess it sounds better than “Glorified Closet-Sized Apartments of Mediocrity .”

In totally unrelated news, Sheepshead Bites is proud to announce that we have eliminated our advertising and sponsorship packages and are now offering “Uber Luxurious, Premier Deluxe-ified Grand Gourmet Advertising Opportunities on our Palatial Webmansion, Paired with Sensual, Posh Sponsorship Opportunities.” Click here for details.

Opulance. We has it.

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  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/lisanne001 Lisanne!

    Entering this palace of self-described magnificent splendor it must be a horrible let down to see such minuscule offerings.

    It’s like the story that Groucho Marx told about going to a high priced restaurant and being asked how he found the steak

    “I looked under the peas and carrots, and lo and behold, there it was”.

  • Russian5678

    If you grow up poor needy, as soon as you make something of yourself, you try to convince everyone (and most importantly yourself) that you left that lifestyle behind and made something of yourself. So you overcompensate. Marketers realize it and play on those feelings. “If you buy this, people will know that you are no longer that looked-down upon cleaning woman!”

    It’s similar to the way formerly-obese women will always talk about how much weight they lost, or a former drug addict/criminal will always discuss how much he changed.

    Except here it’s not done by individuals, it’s the whole community that was poor that joined the middle class (or higher) at about the same.

  • Anonymous

    It’s Sooooo SUPER it’s ALMOST 9000!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • SUPERHERO

    how do you know the percentage that  your audience makes $61,000 or more?

    • http://www.nedberke.com Ned Berke

      Our traffic is monitored, though – as all such data – there’s probably a sizable margin of error. However, $61,000 is only slightly higher than the neighborhood average (2000 census numbers, so it has probably increased in the past 10 years), and that makes sense given internet access rates and interest in news sites in general. 

  • Andy

    you can sell about anything with the word Luxury or Super or Ultra to a former sovietski.

  • Dennis

    I feel sorry for the people that have to live here. When was parking considered a luxury, its a necessity.

  • TheUrbanographer

    I wonder how long before the colors fade. I bet by May it’ll be covered in visible dirt streaks.

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  • Whwsailboat

    We are all children of Lake Wobegon – all above average.

  • http://www.njluxurymotors.com Arthur Borko

    I love that commercial. More on FACING BOOK!

  • Danny De Hulk

    LOL sounds like an ad from the movie Idiocracy:
    Maxamillion Realty
    “Buy your: Super Big Ass Condo”

    • http://twitter.com/Lostinservice Lostinservice

      More like Maxathousand Realty

    • Andy

      they forgot to mention the complimentary smog and traffic sounds

  • Anonymous

    I can’t believe I’m the first to ask what is “automatic parking”?????

    • Anonymous

      well.. it’s….. umm… how to tell you…. hmm..

      it’s automatic.. 

      lol

      it’s like parking in Manhattan. elevator for cars, you drive in and 
      Hydraulic mechanism lowers your car to the lower level of the hole in the ground, freeing space above. Than next car moves in.. it’s a like a carousel. Keep in mind that more then often they are not hydraulic but rather electric which means that if system brakes… everyone fucked :)

  • MrArtTuro

    Spectacularly well written article.  Amazing choice of topics.  Phenomenal research and analogies.   

  • Nyckat

    was laughing with a friend the other day about this, I don’t think I have ever seen an advert that did NOT have the word luxury in it here in Brooklyn. Just once I would love to see, “nice size 3 bedroom condo, small closets, smaller kitchen, and a balcony that you can call your own.” I would be tempted to buy just for the honesty! I looked at a 1,000,000 2 bedroom condo the other day “luxury”..and the kitchen was smaller than my bathroom in my “non luxury” home! Cabinets were not even wood but pressboard with a lamanite over them, and the appliances were mid range at best! The only thing that even spoke of luxury was the SL65 Benz parked out front!!

  • Old Sheepshead Hand

    Let me tell you a little personal story. It has to do with the speculation that such signage speaks to a certain demographic. This may belong in the linked-to old post about that topic but this is as good a place as any. 

    As we speak, the domicile I grew up in is being occupied. Not by those against Wall Street but by post-Cold War youth (with children of their own) from a country that borders old Mother Russia. And never before have I witnessed such a balance between living on the cheap (rent free, taking advantage of a too-nice old man) and showering themselves with opulent goods of the highest order. In short: they “can’t afford rent” anywhere but they can afford a new car and Louis Vitton bags.

    Now this isn’t to say that this kind of squatting and immoral behavior is unique to this particular group but it can be easily identified. It’s how they can have food stamps but be stinking rich. It’s how they can’t stand other groups and are full of racist hatred but expect to take advantage of both our Free Enterprise AND our Welfare State. It’s the symptom of breaking free of Soviet shackles. Survival of the fittest by any means necessary.

    What does this have to do with this piece? Maybe nothing. But the disconnect between realities, that straddling of the line, the delusion of how to feel stinking rich without actually being rich speaks right to that signage.

    Nothing says Makin’ It in America like excess. And this area has become Number 1 in being equally true in being both empty and full of excess.

    Maybe if we thought of it like the old Depression era movies, in which an aw-shucks hobo with his belongings in a tied-up towel on a stick says “You’ll see, one day I’m gonna make it big, I’ll own da whole woild, I’ll show ‘em all see?!”, it wouldn’t seem as bad. 

    And goodness gracious that building is ugly. Sigh, my Brooklyn.

  • Guest

    How were they even allowed to build that high? Tre Fratelli was the size of the first floor. Wasn’t there also some historical relic of Jerome Ave here where that “automatic” parking garage is?

    • nolastname

      Looking at the buildings on Bedford near Shore I would guess it is zoned for that height. 

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  • al718

    Ned has a spectacular sense of humor! Especially about that super duper self promotion. Great article.