Courtesy Google Maps

If architect Frank Gehry took a dump from the top of the ugly tree, then that dump hit every branch on the way down, and then a naked mole rat ate the dump, vomited it up, ate the vomit, got diarrhea from it – the condo above would be the architectural equivalent of the resulting putrid liquid expelled from that naked mole rat’s rear.

And though this is one of the worst new constructions in the area, it really does exemplify the limits of creative thinking in Sheepshead Bay’s condo architecture.

That’s why I burst into laughter when I received the following message in my inbox. I mean, this guy is looking for the “star architects” of Sheepshead Bay, the neighborhood of the fugliest of the fugly when it comes to condo architecture. In addition to the sack o’ crap above, on Nostrand Avenue and Emmons Avenue, we also have condos like The Breakers, the fanciest storage unit complex in the borough.

Here’s what our reader wrote:

Have a question- I’m looking for a nice/boutique/luxe’ property in the Brighton Beach/Sheepshead area. My lease is coming up in about six months, so I wanted to begin doing some research.

Any recommendations? Are there any local star architects? Are there any local really awesome (modern) clean, glassy buildings?

I particularly like the stuff of Meier, Gehry, etc… it’s probably out of my price league but still would be interesting to know if any great architects really touch our area?

Guh… faw…

Really? I’m being punk’d, right? The nicest condo architecture in Sheepshead Bay and Brighton Beach would be considered average at best by any other neighborhood’s standard.

But that’s my opinion, and obviously I can’t help this guy. Anyone care to add anything?

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  • Local Broker

    Yes this guy definitely needs help!

  • Anonymous

    Yea, I care to add something! I think that all these “architects” who designed “top class”, “luxury”,”royal”, “Super Luxury” Condo buildings in Bensonhurts, Sheepshead, and Brighton should quit their jobs, pull their heads out of their asses and start cleaning shit off their ears. They SUCK! By the way builders are no better, the way they build these days is …. cant even find the right word for it. But.. we all understand that.. the more square feet of “unlivable” space you sell and the higher you jack up price per square foot.. the better it is for these “architects” who have their hands and heads grow out of their ass.

    • Andy

      you forgot “Ultra Luxury” 6-foot ceilings in cardboard pencil boxes they call condos

    • Anonymous

      Will the upstand the weather?
      I see some have steel beams while others are just plaster over wood.

  • Anonymous

    You are just jealous. LOL
    I wanted to be the first ass to post that.

    • http://www.flickr.com/photos/lisanne001 Lisanne!

      You are just too clever.

      • Anonymous

        I amaze myself sometimes. lol

        • http://www.flickr.com/photos/lisanne001 Lisanne!

          But a lot of us expect that your witticisms will be on target and brilliant.

          • Anonymous

            Oh, come on…now you have to use big words. I just put in a dig. LOL

          • http://www.flickr.com/photos/lisanne001 Lisanne!

            I only use words I can spell.

    • http://www.nedberke.com Ned Berke

      Thank you. Now hopefully the douchebags that ACTUALLY think that will refrain from revealing themselves as said douchebags.

      • Anonymous

        Can I like my own comment? LOL

        • http://www.flickr.com/photos/lisanne001 Lisanne!

          I wasn’t allowed to like your comment. I think its a glitch.

          • Anonymous

            Ned, you owe me one like. I want my likes. NOW!.LOL
            I feel socially inept. How can I go on without my likes?
            No, I will not eat the meat. You keep the pudding.

          • http://www.flickr.com/photos/lisanne001 Lisanne!

            Disqus tried to mush my like with Local Broker’s like into one like.

          • Anonymous

            That one piece of coal in discus’s stocking.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/lisanne001 Lisanne!

    Robert A. M. Stern designed a house at 1996 East 5th Street. It’s in AIA Guide to New York.

    • http://www.nedberke.com Ned Berke

      There are some really beautiful houses in the area, including some that are recently built. I’ll be chewed out for saying this, but I’ll dare to say there are even some acceptable mixed-use/office buildings. My complaints are towards the condo architects.

      • http://www.flickr.com/photos/lisanne001 Lisanne!

        If the owners of these houses would allow the architect to complete a design without demanding incongruous elements a lot of these newer houses would be attractive. And unless you’re a Stern, you’re going to have a lot of problems saying “no”.

        The secondary problem is that the materials used look artificial or even cheap. A lot of these structures, including mixed use buildings, have facades that look like they were made from imitations of high end construction material. Many of these are indeed cheaper in cost.

    • Local Broker

      There are nice houses around there but they are starting to all look identical. I dont know the details but im thinking someone from his company did it not him.

      • http://www.flickr.com/photos/lisanne001 Lisanne!

        He did this one in 1986. I’ve seen it, it’s truer to traditional Italianate form while still suggesting modernity. A few others followed it in the late 80s, done by other respected, but lesser known architects. What we have been seeing built in recent years nearby either lack imagination or borrows too extensively from a multitude of styles.

    • Anonymous

      It was for his mother.

      • http://www.flickr.com/photos/lisanne001 Lisanne!

        Yes it was. I remember coming across that somewhere. That’s not in the AIA book, I think.

      • http://www.nedberke.com Ned Berke

        Now we know what we have to do: get the mothers of famous architects to move to Sheepshead Bay so that their children will design new houses for them. Then we’ll finally have the type of architecture Sheepshead Bay deserves (ie. the kind old women like).

        • http://www.flickr.com/photos/lisanne001 Lisanne!

          I’m sure they must have other relatives too.

          When your son is a famous architect you generally like what he likes. Unless you’re a worse know-it-all than your famous offspring.

          I met Robert Venturi once. He knows EVERYTHING! I thought he was rather nice, actually.

  • Anonymous

    Did you see the monstrosities behind the Yeshiva on Avenue Y between East 26 and 27 Street?

  • Local Broker

    This guy should call Dimitry Slutsky. He received his engineering degree from the University of Siberia online and builds the sickest see through Igloos around.

    • http://www.nedberke.com Ned Berke

      I actually googled to see if there was a Dmitry Slutsky to see if the name was real. It’s just too good of a name.

      • Local Broker

        I have met a few Slutskys around here.

  • Anonymous

    All the GREAT architects are long gone. They had pride in their work, used high quality materials, worked when weather was best for development, put the extra 9 yards into decorative brick work (apartment buildings especially), did not trample a neighborhood with the construction material,(trucks or debris), leave containers for periods that they are not needed, had concern and dialogue with the neighboring property owners, the list is endless.
    Put ‘em up, knock ‘em down, mentality.
    Shame but $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$talks.

  • Loo

    Ocean Avenue and T has some nice condos- the one condo per floor, I’d say its a nice design.

  • Jamesforsyth

    There are those beauties at Ave. Z and E. 17th that no one wants. Lots of glass, overlooking parking lots, etc. Might get a good price there. Don’t know if there are the appropriate “professional” spaces leased yet so you can feel like you are living above a hospital, but someone has to be the first.

    • Anonymous

      I know of a multi-cardio practice that could use a whole floor. They have tens of thousands patients that would travel via mass transit. It would bring many people to the area. But, where are they going with renting prices? Who in the building industry at this point in time really cares.

  • Anonymous

    I use words my computer can correct. If it takes too many tries I use a different entity. Ha. how do you like that one?

    • Anonymous

      Please do not correct me, I need Holiday Cheer.

  • Anonymous

    Is that yellow thing a platform for loading in the real materials?

  • Whwsailboat

    How about examples of “good” condo’s.

    • Jamesforsyth

      What “good” condo?

  • Kon

    I am surprised nobody quoted the Fountainhead yet.

    • http://www.flickr.com/photos/lisanne001 Lisanne!

      Oh no, we’ve learned a lot from Alan Greenspan’s mistakes. Mistake No. 1 – Ayn Rand is a terrible role model.

  • http://www.njluxurymotors.com Arthur Borko

    Ned, that’s a really out of date photo, that building is done now….

    • http://www.flickr.com/photos/lisanne001 Lisanne!

      Now there’s a job with a future, driving the Google Street View Van.

    • http://www.nedberke.com Ned Berke

      It’s not done, but it’s more complete than it is in the photo. And it looks even worse than it does in the photo, if you can imagine that. However, it was cold, and I didn’t feel like getting a recent photo. Deal with it. ;)

      • http://www.njluxurymotors.com Arthur Borko

        I drove past it twice today. I’ll get you a better one tomorrow. :-D

      • http://www.njluxurymotors.com Arthur Borko

        I drove past it twice today. I’ll get you a better one tomorrow. :-D

      • http://twitter.com/nicktherat nick the rat

        it looks like a boat crashed into the middle of the street

  • http://twitter.com/nicktherat nick the rat

    ever since the projects + condos, architecture isn’t about art any more. its about cramming as much bio matter into one area and make as much profit off it as possible

  • SaysWho

    For quite a few years now I have been taking friends on the “ugly house tour” in Manhattan Beach. There are so many contenders for the title that I don’t even bother ranking them anymore.

  • EmmonsGuy

    Nostrand ave and Emmons ave condo is also extremely blue. Why blue. It stands out and just looks weird. I live across the street and it makes me sick to look at it. Breakers sucks also. 4 floors units. Say you break a leg. Then what. The elevator part is not available yet. Living in a construction dump in this market. Don’t even get me started on the La Mer Villas. All water front fishing out dead guys from your balcony kinda beautiful. And the sad part is they somehow sell. For 1.2 million somehow. I guys you could be the family in the blue house. If your colorblind.

  • Russian_AK47

    i dont understand, looks like a reguller unfinished condo whats the big deal
    1/2 u ppl cant even afford that

    • Anonymous

      I understand one thing. If you put that AK47 where the sun don’t shine and pulled the trigger 1/2 us would be happy. Also, 1/2 the unfinished condos are on loans and and second home improvement loans. That is iffy in itself. Why don’t you look at all the bank repo’s in the area. Yes, weening every penny out of the system definitely is affording something. Money talks, BS walks. So, walk.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001161788754 Yorlady Lopez Quinones’

    For the person looking for a nice/boutique/luxe’ property in the Brighton Beach/Sheepshead area I can assist you in finding a Custom fab Architect.
    718-375-5353,
    Yorlady Lopez, Century 21 Scenic View Real Estate, there is no harm in receiving helpful responses.

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